Today was a day of mixed emotions. From unbelievable stifled energy coursing up and down my body, to period cramps and confusion, to bursting into tears out of nowhere to a tub of butterscotch ice cream to encouraging my friend out of a depressed state.
I think everything I've been struggling with came to a head today and needed release. The tears helped in that release. My grandmother sat sa my side through it all, until I was calm and rested. I'm grateful for her.
The butterscotch ice cream was incredible. After two years of barely going near ice cream, the taste was all-the-more relished.
But the best feeling I got today was when I gave my friend some comfort. Even though I haven't been able to meet him yet, our conversations are stimulating and inspiring. Today he admitted to me that he's has bouts of depression in the past couple of years. This was a special moment for me, because it told me he trusts me enough to share something that vulnerable. I sent him words of comfort and told him I've been there too.
Of course I had to add something cheesy:
"Don't worry about finding rhythm in your life. As Gloria Estefan rightly put it, "The rhythm is gonna get you".
In any case, it was comforting to know I'm not the only one struggling. But moreso that I could relieve some of his burdens even for a few minutes. My shoulders eased too.
I think it helps to help others when I am low. Being able to create a positive change in someone's life, also creates a positive change within mine. It made me believe in better days and a better life for myself too. We are human and therefore we are all connected by the struggles of life. And I think it brings us closer because we all want somebody to help us through them. I hope I can do this more often.
Friday, September 7, 2018
Thursday, September 6, 2018
Day 34: Flow
Today, I got my period (on time, thankfully). I think it had something to do with the chakra meditation I've been practicing lately. I have begun to trust the 'flow of life's and I guess life is flowing through me.
And that's not all that's flowing. So are lyrics. As of last night, post meditation, a bulb switched on inside me and there were words!
So I did write a chorus with the words "four Paws and a bad limp" and it turned out quite nice, if I may say so myself. But the wonder that I was experiencing today was something else entirely. I was fiddling with my ukulele to figure verses for the Four Paw song, when something else started playing.
There were words, there was Melody, there were chords and a rhythm. I picked up my ukulele and began to sing. And the words flowed through me. At first I didn't understand what I was singing, and for whom. Or from whom. Then I felt like it's a song for me. From the Inner Me. It was surreal. So I wrote down and recorded the melody for future reference. And it filled me with joy. It was simple, small and nothing spectaular, for a song, per se. But I felt some blockage being removed and a river of magic flow through me. Yes, there was blood literally flowing down my nethers, painfully so, but I felt a release. And that is reassuring. I want to embrace the flow. I really want to.
The song (I'll put up a recording later):
"Look around... It's me.
Look around... It's me.
Look around... It's me.
Look around... It's me.
I'm the warmth inside your eyes.
I'm the creases in your smile.
I'm the home you've always dreamed of
Inside.
Look around... It's me.
Look around... It's me.
Look around... It's me.
Look around... It's me."
And that's not all that's flowing. So are lyrics. As of last night, post meditation, a bulb switched on inside me and there were words!
So I did write a chorus with the words "four Paws and a bad limp" and it turned out quite nice, if I may say so myself. But the wonder that I was experiencing today was something else entirely. I was fiddling with my ukulele to figure verses for the Four Paw song, when something else started playing.
There were words, there was Melody, there were chords and a rhythm. I picked up my ukulele and began to sing. And the words flowed through me. At first I didn't understand what I was singing, and for whom. Or from whom. Then I felt like it's a song for me. From the Inner Me. It was surreal. So I wrote down and recorded the melody for future reference. And it filled me with joy. It was simple, small and nothing spectaular, for a song, per se. But I felt some blockage being removed and a river of magic flow through me. Yes, there was blood literally flowing down my nethers, painfully so, but I felt a release. And that is reassuring. I want to embrace the flow. I really want to.
The song (I'll put up a recording later):
"Look around... It's me.
Look around... It's me.
Look around... It's me.
Look around... It's me.
I'm the warmth inside your eyes.
I'm the creases in your smile.
I'm the home you've always dreamed of
Inside.
Look around... It's me.
Look around... It's me.
Look around... It's me.
Look around... It's me."
Wednesday, September 5, 2018
Day 33: Inspiration
I forgot to post yesterday and only remembered when I was almost asleep. I chose sleep. Plus, I can't really recall what I did yesterday. These days, everything feels like a blur.
Today was especially blurry and frenzied. I was mentally restless and agitated and felt trapped in my sluggish body. Therapy helped me ground myself again and meditating always lifts me. I have to accept the process and listen to my body a lot more.
I finally created a small nook in my bedroom for songwriting and other quiet phrsuits. I opened up my yellow notepad (the only one that inspires songs writing) and waited for inspiration. I have many projects that I started earlier in the year that I could finish but I wanted some thing fresh. I asked a friend to throw any thing at me. A topic. A subject line. Anything.
"Four Paws and a Bad Limp". That's what he wrote to me.
Well, here we go.
Today was especially blurry and frenzied. I was mentally restless and agitated and felt trapped in my sluggish body. Therapy helped me ground myself again and meditating always lifts me. I have to accept the process and listen to my body a lot more.
"Four Paws and a Bad Limp". That's what he wrote to me.
Well, here we go.
Monday, September 3, 2018
Day 31: Activate
I went back to yoga today. It was wonderful. My body was sluggish in the morning but I was mentally ready for some muscular activity and I gave it my best shot. My teacher is wonderful. She knows how to work my body and mind in a way that motivates them to try harder. I accomplished more than I expected and my mind and body feel activated.
The real challenge for me is the follow-through. I'm supposed to practice every day and as history would have it, I'm not very conscientious about the follow-through, especially if I've been out of a routine for a very long time. I'm keen to make this my routine and hopefully stick to it.
I'm excited at the thought of returning to Los Angeles in the Winter. But I'm also weary of constant travel and movement right now. Transition periods can really take everything out of you. But that's what's meant to happen. How else would there be place to pack in new experiences?
I sometimes wonder if in my quest for some kind of anchor I have gotten so used to moving around that moving around itself is my anchor? And what I seek I already have, in my ability to adapt to any life that comes my way? I'm not sure. It doesn't settle me. Maybe what I'm looking for is some place to feel settled. I know, partly, that I won't find it anywhere if I don't have it within me. Just like I believe you cannot love someone fully if you don't love yourself first. If there is no love inside, there is no love to give. If there is no home inside, there won't likely be one outside either. Why am I so terrified of feeling at home with myself? Why am I not enough? What stops me from going home to myself? Is it the fear of realising we are all alone and going to die? Is it fear, even? There are many questions I'm impatient to find the answer of. I know all will reveal itself at the right time. I believe that.
I'm in the midst of learning a lesson. And lessons are learnt with ease, said noone ever.
The real challenge for me is the follow-through. I'm supposed to practice every day and as history would have it, I'm not very conscientious about the follow-through, especially if I've been out of a routine for a very long time. I'm keen to make this my routine and hopefully stick to it.
I'm excited at the thought of returning to Los Angeles in the Winter. But I'm also weary of constant travel and movement right now. Transition periods can really take everything out of you. But that's what's meant to happen. How else would there be place to pack in new experiences?
I sometimes wonder if in my quest for some kind of anchor I have gotten so used to moving around that moving around itself is my anchor? And what I seek I already have, in my ability to adapt to any life that comes my way? I'm not sure. It doesn't settle me. Maybe what I'm looking for is some place to feel settled. I know, partly, that I won't find it anywhere if I don't have it within me. Just like I believe you cannot love someone fully if you don't love yourself first. If there is no love inside, there is no love to give. If there is no home inside, there won't likely be one outside either. Why am I so terrified of feeling at home with myself? Why am I not enough? What stops me from going home to myself? Is it the fear of realising we are all alone and going to die? Is it fear, even? There are many questions I'm impatient to find the answer of. I know all will reveal itself at the right time. I believe that.
I'm in the midst of learning a lesson. And lessons are learnt with ease, said noone ever.
Sunday, September 2, 2018
Day 30: Forward
Today marks 30 days (a month) of continuous posts. I must admit this has been hard. And the next 30 days are going to be harder, as my will to post lessens.
But what I have observed is amazing. I have had something to look forward to, at the end of every day, that I am doing for myself, for a better life, that I am holding myself accountable for. I have nobody to answer but me. And that has given me tremendous motivation to continue writing. This has been the one constant, unchanging activity for the last 30 days, and small though it may be, it has given me a sense of stability. And it has given me time to reflect, to pay attention to everything in my day, to be aware of my thoughts and emotions and to practice not getting swayed by them.
As I continued posting I noticed how I began to look for something positive — anything positive to write about that could help me appreciate my self and my life. Some days have been better than others. Some days weren't so inspired. But everyday, the one positive thing that remained was that I didn't give up on myself. Not just yet. Not today.
Tomorrow I resume yoga. I'm nervous because my body isn't as sprightly as I would have liked. I may not even feel refreshed in the morning. I may not even last the class. But I am looking forward to going. I look forward to tomorrow. And the day after that. And the day after that too.
I'm looking forward.
But what I have observed is amazing. I have had something to look forward to, at the end of every day, that I am doing for myself, for a better life, that I am holding myself accountable for. I have nobody to answer but me. And that has given me tremendous motivation to continue writing. This has been the one constant, unchanging activity for the last 30 days, and small though it may be, it has given me a sense of stability. And it has given me time to reflect, to pay attention to everything in my day, to be aware of my thoughts and emotions and to practice not getting swayed by them.
As I continued posting I noticed how I began to look for something positive — anything positive to write about that could help me appreciate my self and my life. Some days have been better than others. Some days weren't so inspired. But everyday, the one positive thing that remained was that I didn't give up on myself. Not just yet. Not today.
Tomorrow I resume yoga. I'm nervous because my body isn't as sprightly as I would have liked. I may not even feel refreshed in the morning. I may not even last the class. But I am looking forward to going. I look forward to tomorrow. And the day after that. And the day after that too.
I'm looking forward.
Saturday, September 1, 2018
Day 29: The Pack
I went over to my sisters' house again. It's a comfort to know they live nearby and I can access them anytime I want, in any state I am.
We laughed a lot. Even in my daze, I felt alive again. We are all going through our own personal struggles but that we could laugh at ourselves and eachother despite that is special. I cherish the relationship I share with my siblings, my brother included. After all the hurdles we have overcome, we are finally a 'pack'. We are unbreakable, unshakeable and irreplaceable. We look out for each other, lean on one another and share ourselves fully. I took my time to join the pack: being a loner. But I'm happy and grateful to say that my attempt to trust and lean on this pack has proven successful and has made feel safe and loved.
And what more does one need, anyway, more than love?
To my 'pack'. I'm always with you, for you and by your side.
We laughed a lot. Even in my daze, I felt alive again. We are all going through our own personal struggles but that we could laugh at ourselves and eachother despite that is special. I cherish the relationship I share with my siblings, my brother included. After all the hurdles we have overcome, we are finally a 'pack'. We are unbreakable, unshakeable and irreplaceable. We look out for each other, lean on one another and share ourselves fully. I took my time to join the pack: being a loner. But I'm happy and grateful to say that my attempt to trust and lean on this pack has proven successful and has made feel safe and loved.
And what more does one need, anyway, more than love?
To my 'pack'. I'm always with you, for you and by your side.