2:05pm.
I'm lying in bed, feeling exhausted. I woke up pretty fresh but my legs feel like lead. Maybe it's all the swimming from yesterday. Maybe I'm cramping, because I'm expecting my period. Maybe I'm just weighed down mentally.
I made an eggy breakfast for my mother and myself around noon. Just a simple omelette withpotatoes, onions, a tomato, with rosemary and honey to top it off. It felt good and was filling.
My mother suggested we drive out and run some errands. But I have no energy, no will, no inclination. I feel broken and debilitated. Today, I haven't found the enthusiasm I usually muster up when I'm trying to look for distraction. I feel like an incapacitated mess.
The worst part of it all is: I'm not isolated. I know, I know. It sounds ungrateful. How can she complain about not being alone? Isn't that what she wants, anyway? Confused, selfish, picky woman.
It's frustrating. To have a bed to lie in, but not feel rested. To be hugged and loved by my mother but still feel uncomfortable. To want to laugh at a joke my father cracked but it hurts to smile. To feel lonely in a room full of people. To have something to say but it tires me out to speak. To feel inadequate despite being talented, beautiful, smart and self-sufficient. To feel like a failure when I have enough experience under my belt to feel like I've achieved something . To feel like I'm worthless even when my ego is inflated enough to write about how awesome I am in this paragraph. To not want it, but feel totally sorry for myself. Why is that such a bad thing, damn it?
I know I'll have to pull myself out of it some day. But today, I just don't want to. Today I want to be so still that I evaporate. Or so still that I'm not really there. I'm just a bunch of molecules floating in the breeze. Or so silent that nobody that can hear me passing by, breathing or feeling.
All I want to hear is that bird chirping outside my balcony, the rustle of leaves in the breeze, frogs jumping in and out of the pond near my house, the flutter of wings and the fan whirring on my ceiling.
I think my achievement for the day would be to get through it.
I'm lying in bed, feeling exhausted. I woke up pretty fresh but my legs feel like lead. Maybe it's all the swimming from yesterday. Maybe I'm cramping, because I'm expecting my period. Maybe I'm just weighed down mentally.
I made an eggy breakfast for my mother and myself around noon. Just a simple omelette withpotatoes, onions, a tomato, with rosemary and honey to top it off. It felt good and was filling.
My mother suggested we drive out and run some errands. But I have no energy, no will, no inclination. I feel broken and debilitated. Today, I haven't found the enthusiasm I usually muster up when I'm trying to look for distraction. I feel like an incapacitated mess.
The worst part of it all is: I'm not isolated. I know, I know. It sounds ungrateful. How can she complain about not being alone? Isn't that what she wants, anyway? Confused, selfish, picky woman.
It's frustrating. To have a bed to lie in, but not feel rested. To be hugged and loved by my mother but still feel uncomfortable. To want to laugh at a joke my father cracked but it hurts to smile. To feel lonely in a room full of people. To have something to say but it tires me out to speak. To feel inadequate despite being talented, beautiful, smart and self-sufficient. To feel like a failure when I have enough experience under my belt to feel like I've achieved something . To feel like I'm worthless even when my ego is inflated enough to write about how awesome I am in this paragraph. To not want it, but feel totally sorry for myself. Why is that such a bad thing, damn it?
I know I'll have to pull myself out of it some day. But today, I just don't want to. Today I want to be so still that I evaporate. Or so still that I'm not really there. I'm just a bunch of molecules floating in the breeze. Or so silent that nobody that can hear me passing by, breathing or feeling.
All I want to hear is that bird chirping outside my balcony, the rustle of leaves in the breeze, frogs jumping in and out of the pond near my house, the flutter of wings and the fan whirring on my ceiling.
I think my achievement for the day would be to get through it.
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