Day 14: See-Saw

I know when times are hard, it's easy to focus on the hard stuff, the suffering, the woes and pain.

When you fracture your finger, I don't know how many of you will notice the pretty bird singing in the tree outside your window. Chances are you're eyes are closed so tight, with yelps of pain leaving your mouth. I admit, I did not notice any such thing when I fractured my finger a couple of years ago. I did, however, have a beautiful dream the night before about a giant old sea turtle who came to meet me and hold my hand (the one with the unbeknownst-to-me soon-to-be fractured finger). It was magical. I digress.

My point is, we often forget to look beyond the trigger, the immediate cause of pain, the injury, wound, open cut - what have you. I'm aware this happens to me too. The interesting thing is, sometimes I'm able to catch this during moments of pain. And in that moment of awareness, I find I'm left with a choice. Do I want to continue to focussing on this pain or do I want to let other things into my peripheral vision as well? Can I possibly appreciate or even acknowledge the presence of other existences, happenstances, possibly good things around me at the same time I feel this pain? I confess, lately, I have chosen to feel the pain more often than not.

This brings me to the question: "Why?"

I think I want to wallow sometimes. Just cry like a child and not have to think about anything or anyone around me but myself. Babies are pros at it. Unfortunately (or fortunately), I'm no longer one. And there are a world of people around me I have to be mindful of.

Also, when it comes to work, or doing something functional, I'm strangely able to put the pain aside and focus on the task at hand. The same thing happens if someone I care about is in pain or in need of help. Yeah, it might sound like I'm a good samaritan or thorough professional. But I've come to realize I use both those things as a coping mechanism for when I'm hurting or stressed.  I immerse myself in some discipline or the other that has a definite outcome which is proportionate to the effort I put in. Or I help someone in need and in somewhat fixing their lives I feel uplifted. This, in turn, helps me to feel in control and secure, when my emotions are the opposite. Sure, work gets done and people are helped - but what happens when I don't have work, and people don't need my help, but I'm still hurting?

I collapse.

I think what I need to find is balance. Knowing when to focus on myself and not run away from it. To be in the moment and be still. And when to focus on what's around me and pull myself out of the Well of Woes, when I slip in. To make small mental and physical movements and unfreeze. Finding that sweet spot when I am riding the See-saw with my emotions and not being higher or lower than them. Just at eye-level, feeling grounded and knowing that we've got each other. 

Most of all, I need to believe that I can do this myself, for myself, without the aid of work or human distraction.

Tough one, but I'm going give it a shot.