Day 315: Listen up!

If the theory that spirits of the dearly departed latch onto us humans from time to time to leech off of our misgivings in  order to cover their "karma" quota and freeload during our good days, holds true, then WHO THE FUCK IS RIDING MY TRAIN?

Look, you! You had your shot and looks like you blew it. You died without making amends. So if you think copping out on rebirth by exploiting my life choices like an ungrateful parasite is going to get you UNIVERSAL POINTS, THINK AGAIN!

Because as I see it, you've no choice but to get your sorry ass DOWN here, to human life, and clean your crusty ass YOURSELF. And THIS time, be more thorough, eh?

This train is no longer serving freeloading passengers. It's going to the yard to be spruced and when I'm done healing I'd like to live the remainder of MY life as MY life -- NOT your unfinished bidness.

Yours  Compassionately (but NOT unconditionally),

TK

Day 27: Wheels on the Bus

The rain will lash

Markets crash

Dreams burn to the ground

In the flood

Face in the mud

But the wheels on the bus go 'round.

Gasp! A whore.

She's open for

Anyone around.

Noone sees

The Injuries.

And the wheels on the bus go 'round.

Colors aren't

For colouring now

They're the face with which you're found.

Children play

With hand grenades.

But the wheels of the bus go 'round

The pitied sighs,

Shallow eyes

Vanity astounds.

Clink the champagne glasses again.

The wheels on the bus go 'round.

Hope perhaps for

Better days.

Hands together

End the craze

No will to stop 

And save this town.

So the wheels on the bus go 'round and 'round.

The wheels on the bus go 'round.

Day 16: Indulgence

Today was a day of total indulgence. After a reassuring session of therapy, I took my mother out for lunch to a little French creperie in the neighborhood -- one of the best that I've ever been to in Mumbai. We have so diligently been eating healthy, home food, that today's treat was precious and delectable. Feta cheese, buckwheat crepes, ratatouille, more cheese, salads (okay, it wasn't junk food, but it was more than we normally eat).  It was a sumptuous meal, and I felt grateful for the food, the exceptional service, the breezy outdoor weather and closeness my mother and I shared.

After 'the shift' within me yesterday, I have been pensive, concerned about how to manage different relationship dynamics especially with loved ones as I move forward in my journey in healing.

So today, my mother and I indulged each other. We ate, we shopped (she got me four pairs of shoes, for all of my eight feet), and we walked around the city like two girls in wonder of all the colors and shapes that shifted and glittered around us. We walked hand in hand, being constantly physically connected and exchanging warmth, as we moved forward through the day, knowing things will change soon and we may not get to spend as much time together.

I feel full. Not just in my stomach, but in my heart, arms, legs, shoulders, knees, toes and everywhere in between. There are mixed emotions. I feel somewhat stronger and hopeful. I also feel reluctant to grow up from being a 4-year-old who needs to hold my mother's hand tightly. I'm a little scared to take that leap, despite having done it so many times before. Maybe this leap is longer and higher. I feel overwhelmed with love and attachment to everyone who has shown me compassion. This is particularly hard to contain. And does it even need containment? I'm not sure yet. I suppose a few days of processing is likely and necessary.

But I got four pairs of shoes to wear, while I think it over. Not too shabby.

Day 15: The Shift

18/08/2018

Today has been very special (apart from being my brothers birthday). I have so much to say, yet I cannot find the words. Maybe the details are only meant for me to feel within me and some day I'll be able to share it in words.

I am reminded of the day I met Tata Vega, one of my idols, last year. The voice that sang, God is Trying To Tell You Something, the voice that sang to my heart, the voice of the Universe, who spoke back to me. That day was very important because the Universe sent me a message, a response: "I'm on the right track and I'm going to be okay."

Often, when I'm low or in a dark place I have felt like ending my life or at least praying for death to come to me. I know I sound morbid, but it is what it is. And I know I'm not the only one in the world who thinks like this. Clearly, death hasn't come. So I began to pray for something else:

"Dear Universe, if it is my time to go, take me now, and I will gladly follow you. But if it isn't, please help me. "


Today the Universe spoke to me and held me. I feel full of this cotton pillow softness. I fell into a deep sleep. I felt a shift within me. I felt understood and anchored. I felt known in a way I haven't known myself in a very long time. And even though my future is uncertain, it doesn't matter anymore. In this moment, in the now, I have some purpose, something to think about that is beyond suffering. A roadmap, maybe. Or maybe just an idea to explore. An idea, after all, is the beginning of everything.

I cannot tell you what happened exactly, or who I met or what was said. What I can say is the wind was dancing, it rained, then the sun shone and the leaves rustled. All in the span of a few hours. Nature was happy and rejoiced. And the Universe held me.

I am so grateful and moved. I cannot wait for my life to begin again. I hope this carries me forward. I think it will. Slow and steady, Tulsi.

For you, everyone who reads this, everyone who's going through something, or isn't going through anything but is just here with me and even for those who are far away somewhere: May you be happy. I am grateful for you and your presence. And I love you.

🙏

Day 14: See-Saw

I know when times are hard, it's easy to focus on the hard stuff, the suffering, the woes and pain.

When you fracture your finger, I don't know how many of you will notice the pretty bird singing in the tree outside your window. Chances are you're eyes are closed so tight, with yelps of pain leaving your mouth. I admit, I did not notice any such thing when I fractured my finger a couple of years ago. I did, however, have a beautiful dream the night before about a giant old sea turtle who came to meet me and hold my hand (the one with the unbeknownst-to-me soon-to-be fractured finger). It was magical. I digress.

My point is, we often forget to look beyond the trigger, the immediate cause of pain, the injury, wound, open cut - what have you. I'm aware this happens to me too. The interesting thing is, sometimes I'm able to catch this during moments of pain. And in that moment of awareness, I find I'm left with a choice. Do I want to continue to focussing on this pain or do I want to let other things into my peripheral vision as well? Can I possibly appreciate or even acknowledge the presence of other existences, happenstances, possibly good things around me at the same time I feel this pain? I confess, lately, I have chosen to feel the pain more often than not.

This brings me to the question: "Why?"

I think I want to wallow sometimes. Just cry like a child and not have to think about anything or anyone around me but myself. Babies are pros at it. Unfortunately (or fortunately), I'm no longer one. And there are a world of people around me I have to be mindful of.

Also, when it comes to work, or doing something functional, I'm strangely able to put the pain aside and focus on the task at hand. The same thing happens if someone I care about is in pain or in need of help. Yeah, it might sound like I'm a good samaritan or thorough professional. But I've come to realize I use both those things as a coping mechanism for when I'm hurting or stressed.  I immerse myself in some discipline or the other that has a definite outcome which is proportionate to the effort I put in. Or I help someone in need and in somewhat fixing their lives I feel uplifted. This, in turn, helps me to feel in control and secure, when my emotions are the opposite. Sure, work gets done and people are helped - but what happens when I don't have work, and people don't need my help, but I'm still hurting?

I collapse.

I think what I need to find is balance. Knowing when to focus on myself and not run away from it. To be in the moment and be still. And when to focus on what's around me and pull myself out of the Well of Woes, when I slip in. To make small mental and physical movements and unfreeze. Finding that sweet spot when I am riding the See-saw with my emotions and not being higher or lower than them. Just at eye-level, feeling grounded and knowing that we've got each other. 

Most of all, I need to believe that I can do this myself, for myself, without the aid of work or human distraction.

Tough one, but I'm going give it a shot.

Day 13: Change is Gonna Come

There's an old friend that

I once heard say

Something that touched my heart

And it began this way

I was born by the river

In a little tent

And just like the river

I've been runnin ever since

He said it's been a long time comin'

But I know my change is gonna come

Oh yeah

He said it's been too hard livin'

But I'm afraid to die

I might not be if I knew

What was up there

Beyond the sky

It's been a long, a long time comin'

But I know my change has got to come

Oh yeah

I went, I went to my brother

And I asked him, brother

Could you help me, please?

He said, good sister

I'd like to but I'm not able

And when I, when I looked around

I was right back down

Down on my bended knees

Yes I was, oh

There've been times that I thought

I thought that I wouldn't last for long

But somehow right now I believe

That I'm able, I'm able to carry on

I tell you that it's been along

And oh it's been an uphill journey

All the way

But I know, I know, I know

I know my change is gonna come

Sometimes I had to cry all night long

Yes I did

Sometimes

I had to give up right

For what I knew was wrong

Yes it's been an uphill journey

It's sure's been a long way comin

Yes it has

It's been real hard

Every step of the way

But I believe, I believe

This evenin' my change is come

Yeah I tell you that

My change is come

https://youtu.be/k6YCxXQ6Scw

Thank you, Sam Cooke, for writing this. 

Thank you, Aretha, for warming my heart with your voice. 

🙏🏼